Adam

hard to be a liberal some days

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 23:25:20 GMT

Shortly after my father retired, he realized that he was going insane with boredom. To remedy this, he decided to take a part-time job teaching general education to inmates at the county jail. As a recently-former deputy warden of a maximum security state prison, who also holds a Master's degree in education, he thought this to be a good fit. Little did he know how entertaining it would prove to be. Below is an assignment completed by one of his students, an inmate, ver batim.....

Directions: "Gold is a very useful metal. Other metals have many uses, too. Think about some other metals, such as silver, copper, and aluminum. How are these metals used? ... Write a paragraph about another metal and some of it's uses...."

Inmate's Response: "I seen one time on TV that this man constructed a car out of penis. Penis are mayed of copper. It took the guy ten years to save up the penis. Now he is the only guy in the world with a car made of penis. And I allway throw my penis away. So I coulded say that was a ingenious idea."

As terrible as I feel as a liberal for putting this out there to the general public, it's got to be one of the funniest god damn things I've ever seen. Now, if you know my father, he is arguably the sweetest, gentlest, most caring and giving man alive. He quitely pulled his student aside after reading this assignment and suggested to him that he look up the correct spelling of "pennies."

*************

My Life: The Soundtrack

Opening credits: Death Cab for Cutie - Sound of Settling

Waking up: Pete Yorn - Murray

Average day: Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness

First date: Push Stars - Cadillac

Falling in love: Pearl Jam - Wishlist

Love scene: Kris Delmhorst - Yellow Brick Road

Fight scene: Lawrence Arms - Last Eviction Notice

Breaking up: Kris Delmhorst - Honeyed Out

Getting back together: OAR - Hold On True

Secret love: The Fray - All at Once

Life's okay: Rufus Wainright - Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk

Mental breakdown: Aimee Mann - Wise Up

Driving: The Whatnot - Thunderclouds

Learning a lesson: Idlewild - When the Ship Comes In

Deep thought: The Watchmen - Brighter Hell

Flashback: Sugar Hill Gang - Apache

Partying: Alkaline Trio - My Friend Peter

Happy dance: Bottle of Justus - Try It Again

Regreting: Stroke 9 - Letters

Long night alone: Alkaline Trio - My Friend Peter

Death scene: Goo Goo Dolls - Acoustic No. 10

Closing credits: Marc Copely - Magic Box

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 17:08:25 GMT

So Sunday night at about 11:15, I parked my car behind my building and walked to the front door. As I got to the porch, a man with a large bag approached me. "Excuse me, sir," he said. "What size underwear do you wear?" I quasai-politely answered him "I don't know. Big, I guess," as I proceeded to the front door, very quickly getting my key card ready to swipe. He explained to me that he was trying to get money to get back to Baltimore, and pulled out a couple of pairs of boxers (which he was selling for $5 each) and regretfully informed me that he didn't have any boxers "that big."

I told him that a one-way bus ticket to Baltimore is $13.25. I then scanned my card and walked into the building, telling him I'm sorry but I couldn't help him. He proceeded to keep talking despite my ultimately successful effort to walk away from the situation and hide behind the giant wooden door.

Now, I ask you, what is sadder? The fact that I live in a neighborhood where random, drug-dependant drifters try to peddle underwear, or the fact that they don't carry any big enough for me?

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 17:34:14 GMT

If you were a Pirate! by TheHalveric

Username

Yer Pirate Name!

Name yer ship!

Why be ye a Pirate?

Yer First Mate!

pissoff

Yer Cabin-boy! (or girl)

euroboi17

Ye're chief rival be the Dread Pirate

skattman67

Ye'll be pursued by Admiral

kdr77

Cut to ribbon in a freak cannon accident...

profdana

Yer pirate captive to use fer yer wicked pleasures

roxyfreefall

Number o'ships ye'll sink and women ye'll plunder!

396

Chance ye'll be hanged... or worse.: 2%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Only in my wildest dreams . . .

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 18:22:04 GMT

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 15:15:29 GMT

So today I told an uncooperative mother that if the fact that her 6 year old daughter has anal warts doesn't concern her, she needs to re-evaluate her priorities, because there are people in this county who do care that children are contracting STD's.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 17:14:41 GMT

A is for - age: 24

B is for - boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes

C is for - career or the future: Victim/Witness Coordinator, York Co. DA's Office

D is for - Dead person you would like to meet: John Candy

E is for - Essential item: Cigarettes

F is for - Favorite song at the moment: Anything by Dispatch

G is for - Guy/Girls you've kissed: Which one? Guys or girls?

H is for - Hometown: Elmira, NY

I is for - Instruments you play: Trumpet

J is for - Job title: Victim/Witness Coordinator

L is for - Living places: Town house

M is for - Memory of the day: Farting as I walked into the elevator this morning

N is for - Number of people you've slept with: 5

O is for - Overnight hospital stays: When I was 8 - her nia operation

P is for - Phobias: Spiders

Q is for - Quote you like: "Be true to yourself, and fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." -Tim Barker

R is for - Relationship that lasted the longest: Off and on for 2 and a half years

S is for - Sexuality: Queerbate

T is for - Time you wake up everyday: 6:45

U is for - Unique trait(s): I think I'm the only gay man Dana Lauro hasn't slept with

V is for - Vegetable you love: Broccoli

W is for - Worst habit: Smoking or twitching my nose

X is for - X-rays you've had: X is for "nothing else begins with X."

Y is for - Yummy food you make: Pasta w/ Broccoli, Garlic & Olive Oil

Z is for - Zodiac sign: Aries

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 18:16:08 GMT

1. Take your LJ username and replace each letter with the corresponding number (A=1, B=2, etc...).

2. Add all of the numbers together to create a kind of super number.

3. Add the digits of the number together.

4. Find the post of this number in your LJ. If you don't have that many posts, add the digits together again.

5. Take the digit you noted in step 3, and count that many words into the post.

6. Use the resulting word in a Google Image Search, and select a picture from the first page and post the results for all of us to see!

**How the hell do you get the picture to post??????

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 20:04:48 GMT

So I have a new "friend." I'd forgotten what it felt like to be a gitty adolescent. It's only been a couple of weeks now, this fun and exciting courtship, and things are progressing steadily and appropriately. Is this really happening????

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 17:03:54 GMT

Work has worn me down to the emotional bone. I can't sleep, my appetite is minimal, and I think it's safe to say that my faith in the goodness of people and humanity is currently dwindling in the balance. Lately, I've not been able to come home from work and process everything and shake off the effects of seeing the horrible things people do to other people, particularly children and/or family members. My temper has gotten shorter, my thought process has slowed considerably, and I feel myself closing up to other people.

When people ask me, "How's work going?", my response is usually a muttered "eh" with a lame half-shrug of the shoulders. I'm smoking more, and I don't enjoy quiet time alone with myself the way I used to. My personal journal entries have gotten more sparse and distant. I can't converse the way I used to. I was always able to sit down with anyone and talk for hours, or I could go out, meet a couple of people, and hang with them all night. I have no desire to do these things anymore, and frankly, it scares the hell out of me.

I just feel myself slipping towards complete apathy and misanthropy, and it really, really frightens me. I was never this way, and it's not how I want to be. I feel like I have something heavy covering me - something that is a constant emotional drain. I'm not sure how to lift it, and I'm getting scared.

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 11:59:29 GMT

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 15:23:40 GMT

Had a good birthday weekend. I went to a drag show on Saturday with Beth, Carmen and Marc. Oddly enough, the show was at a church (eat your heart out, George W.). One of the performers is in the army and just got back from Iraq after having spent a year there on active duty (eat your heart out, again, George W.). His partner of 15 years was also in the show. How incredibly wonderful.

I just wish I could have seen my family on my birthday, but those days are few and far between now. Otherwise, it was a nice weekend.

I hadn't seen Marc in months, and it was refreshing to be in his company, however briefly. :)

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 17:54:59 GMT

Equal protection? Second-class citizens? A power-hungry dictator in Europe roughly half a century ago had similar notions of separation and diminished rights for specific groups of people.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4360783/

How sad.

For my Rep*blican friends

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 03:08:45 GMT

http://www.funsnap.com/1/bushgirl.swf

Are you kidding?

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 21:19:41 GMT

Leather Boots- sleek, trendy, and popular, you are
always dressed right. You sometimes seem fake
to people that don't know you. You enjoy
shopping and hanging out with your many
friends. [please vote! thank you! :)]

What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What the eff is this crap? A leather boot? This is arguably the ONLY thing Dana and I have in common.

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 20:38:18 GMT

I finally had a chance to catch up with Dana yesterday, which was lovely; however, the unreliable waves that carried her sweet voice to my ear were not sympathetic, so our conversation was cut short. Damn technology. I'm so glad we're not dependent on it . . .

I've recently become friends with a young gay man whom I'd met once or twice in college, but lately, through a mutual friend, he and I have spent some time together. I'd heard not-so-good things about him, but I really have been enjoying his company. I met his boyfriend last night, and he's lovely.

I haven't had a gay friend around in a long, long time. I think that during my first year and a half in the professional world, I did not have one gay friend here. It's not that I have a quota or anything reversely discriminatory like that, though.

So, my father's last day of work is today, as he is retiring. I talked to him today, and he sounds like a gitty schoolchild. I know he'll be having a very hard time come 4:30, though. I've been asked to give a speech at his party. I lack confidence in my skills as an orator. Plus, anyone who knows me KNOWS I don't like a lot of attention. :)

I miss you guys - Jenn, Dana, Gabe, Marc, etc. XO

The musings of our great Leader

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 20:21:23 GMT

"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning"
--Florence, SC, Jan. 11, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
--Reuters, May 5, 2000

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"
--Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire; quoted in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember."
--On discussing the Vietnam War as an undergraduate at Yale, in the Washington Post, July 27, 1999

"I did denounce it. I de-I denounced it. I denounced interracial dating. I denounced anti-Catholic bigacy... bigotry."
--Referring to his Bob Jones University visit and the subsequent criticism, Virginia, February 25, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."
--George W. Bush puts an interesting twist on Jesus Christ's proverb: "Love thy neighbor." (Quote is from the Financial Times)

"I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah it's right. Well no it's not right that's why I said no to it."
--South Carolina, February 14,2000

"There ought to be limits to freedom"
--at a Press conference at the Texas State House, May 21, 1999, referring to GWBush.com

"My opponent seems to think that Social Security is a federal program. I believe that money is yours and you should be able to invest it yourself."
-The final Presidential debate

"The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!"
--The first Presidential debate

"It's your money. You paid for it."
--LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"I don't think we need to be subliminable [sic] about the differences between our views on prescription drugs."
--Orlando, Fla., Sept. 12, 2000. He then repeatedly mispronounced the word after his press conference.

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully"
--Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
--Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."
--Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000"

"There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'"
— Boston, Massachusetts, October 3, 2000

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question"
--Reynoldsburg, Ohio, October 4, 2000

"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
--February 21, 2001 - President Bush at Townsend Elementary School, touting his education reform plans.

AND, the piece de resistance . . .

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..."
--Washington, DC, Dec 18, 2000, during his first trip to Washington as President-Elect

I don't think "scary" even comes close anymore.

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 19:48:31 GMT

I thought I'd take the few free minutes I have during the work day to say hello to my LJ friends whom I've been literarily neglecting lately.

I can't say there's much news here. I've been studying a lot for the LSATs and preparing for the class in June. I had the opportunity to speak with JOD last night, although all I did was complain about how life is unfair and terrible and woe is me . . . It was still refreshing to hear her sweet voice and her tender laugh, as always.

After weeks of a rigorous game of phone tag, Marc and I were finally able to connect, too. Additionally, I've made contact of late with a handful of friends with whom I haven't been in contact for a couple of years, notably one of my best friends and roommates from sophomore year, and also a good friend in WV.

It's been refreshing to reconnect with these folks. I feel a bit disconnected from things and people who make me feel good. I hope that is starting to change.

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 17:42:46 GMT

You're probably from PA. It's rough, but I'm sure
you talk enough shit about NJ. Look at your own
state, it's full of amish people and cow shit.
Who's laughin' now HUH?

How JERSEY are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*Bawl* I'll never be "true Jersey." I suppose my life is now meaningless.

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 20:09:28 GMT

50 Things You May Not Know about Me:

1. I was one of a set of twins.
2. I wish I knew at least one character language but I am too lazy to buy a book or check a website.
3. I got my first dog when I was 13. I started asking for one when I was 5.
4. My father is the warden of a prison.
5. Again, I'm the gay son of a prison warden.
6. Warden . . . like of a prison.
7. My confirmation sponsor was a woman and it was one of the most controversial things in St. Patrick's Church history.
8. Seriously, guys - a warden, and I'm gay.
9. I wanted to go to grad school for linguistics.
10. Now, I want to go to law school so bad I can taste it.
11. One time I got the hiccoughs so bad I puked.
12. I just got a new car.
13. I Love Lucy is my favorite TV show ever.
14. I've actually had a good time in New Jersey.
15. Since I've graduated college, I've fallen in public more than I have in my entire life.
16. I had hernia surgery when I was 8 and when people found out, all the kids on the bus sang, "Adam Cerio's livin' with a her-nia" (instead of "...in America).
17. I'm about to live with a straight man and no other roommates - something I haven't done in three or four years.
18. I fell in love with my best friend once.
19. I hate checking accounts.
20. One time I listened to Michael Jackson's Thriller and got so scared I couldn't get out from under the blankets.
21. When we had 4th of July parade when I was a child, I once put Ben Gay on my face instead of face paint because I couldn't find any.
22. I am a feminist.
23. I've never been fired from a job.
24. I was Junior Prom King.
25. I played 1st chair trumpet in high school for 3 years but stopped playing when I went away to college. Dumb move.
26. I work in the same unit as the most homophobic person I've ever met, literally. He's a detective and carries a gun.
27. I have no desire to quit smoking at all.
28. I don't know how to deal with friends who have eating disorders.
29. I passed gas very loudly in court once when I was standing up and was the only one speaking.
30. I really, really love my job.
31. I had a drunken sexual encounter with one of my friends in high school after listening to ABBA for an hour and a half and looking at the stars...
32. ...and I was subsequently almost a father.
33. "subsequently" is one of my favorite words.
34. I subscribe to Dictionary.com's Word of the Day and I sometimes write down the interesting ones. It's sick, really.
35. I know almost the entire script word for word of the movie "Top Secret!" (I can't underline of italicize, hence the "")
36. I am neurotic about punctuation.
37. I drove across the country last summer in my dad's truck. Don't worry... he knew I took it.
38. My new car's name is Aaisha.
39. I have a tendency to explain jokes out to the point that they no longer have any chance of being funny.
40. I have a secret passion for geography.
41. I know the difference between a predicate nominative and a direct object . . . and I'm proud of it.
42. I absolutely abhor fax machines and automated phone menus.
43. I have no tolerance for drugs.
44. I am starting to realize I may not completely hate children.
45. I am going to name the first dog I get on my own "Milkshake."
46. Sometimes I LOVE eggs and sometimes I HATE them. I am eggly bipolar.
47. I love to abbrev. when speaking.
48. I can only use one kind of deodorant because any other kind burns.
49. I've testified as a witness in both civil and criminal court proceedings.
50. I know a lot about custody in Pennsylvania.

But not a man moved; their eyes gazed straight ahead...

Sat, 12 Jul 2003 02:20:13 GMT

Today was my last day with ACCESS. It was filled with a busy, busy morning in which nothing seemed to go right. The morning then unfolded and came to head with a very nice, sentimental, quasai-sad au revoir party for yours truly, and the afternoon was peppered with random business. Everyone at the DA's Office seems genuinely excited for me to start Monday, which is validating and encouraging. Also, Judge Renn, a.k.a. the Judge from Hades, who has seemingly hated me since day one, stopped by my office to say he's sorry that I'll not be in his courtroom anymore and to wish me the best of luck. Huh?

As I sat this evening and reflected on my past ten months of employment at ACCESS, I realized that I have been truly blessed with fulfilling work, admirable clients, and magnificent co-workers. My two bosses and I became very close since September, and we'll all miss the immediacy of each other's company, support, and pure presence. It's not like I moving away, though, but as I said, the immediacy is gone, and that does make me sad.

On a brighter note, I'll be working mere tens of feet away from arguably one of the cutest prosecuters ever placed on this earth. We've already had some interesting conversations. I learned that he lives above two gay friends of mine with whom he's well acquainted. Oh, that one's residential location affected one's sexual orientation!

Not that I'm particularly searching, though. This past week or so, my mind has been abuzz with inextinguishable, stinging memories of Brian and how everything was the last few weeks of our relationship, and it leaves me feeling sad and vulnerable. I suppose I have the beginning of a new job and the subsequent learning process on which to focus, for now; however, not too much has made me feel better, or confident that I'll feel better any time soon. The gaping wound with which I was left has indeed healed a great deal, thanks to some analytical soul-searching, some very good friends and a supportive, loving family. Also, I've made an intriguing new friend lately who really stimulates me, encourages my intellectual growth, gives me a little something to look forward to and brings a smile to my face when I hear from him. Thanks to you - you know who you are. :-)

Wed, 09 Jul 2003 16:01:05 GMT

So there is this intern who is "working" in the DA's Office, where I'll be starting Monday. Apparently, she found it appropriate, when the Director mentioned that I'd be starting on the 14th, to blab out, out of the blue, "Oh, I know him. He's gay!"

Funny thing - I have no idea who this girl is.

This is freaking wonderful. York County is exceedingly conservative, and now most of the people with whom I'll be working are aware. I'm not ashamed or embarassed, but it's not something I wanted everyone to know. It really has no place in my status as an employee; rather, it SHOULDN'T, I guess I should say.

What was she thinking?

My claim to fame

Tue, 08 Jul 2003 21:57:38 GMT

"Murderers Flee High - Security N.Y. Prison
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Filed at 4:25 p.m. ET

ELMIRA, N.Y. (AP) -- Two murderers escaped from a maximum-security prison Monday by breaking a hole in the concrete ceiling of their cell and lowering themselves down the side of the building on bedsheets, officials said.

Guards at the Elmira Correctional Facility discovered the inmates were missing during a routine count at 6:30 a.m., said Jim Flateau, a spokesman for the state Department of Correctional Services.

Guards later found tied-together sheets that led down an outside wall of the four-story cellblock.

The inmates, who lived on the top floor, apparently used a sledgehammer to break through the ceiling, then crawled through a ventilation duct and escaped to the roof, prison union officials said.

The union officials said the sledgehammer was probably stolen from one of several construction projects inside the building.

Timothy Vail, 35, was serving 49 years to life for the 1988 rape and murder of a pregnant secretary. Timothy Morgan, 26, was serving 25 years to life for the 1998 murder of a cab driver.

Eighty to 100 law enforcement officers using police dogs and helicopters patrolled the highways and set up roadblocks in a search for the escaped convicts.

The FBI was contacted in case the men crossed the Pennsylvania state line, less than 10 miles from the prison.

The last escape from a maximum-security prison in the state was in 1994 at the Shawangunk Correctional Facility in Wallkill. Three convicted killers were found bloody and bruised hours after climbing over a razor-wire fence."

::

This is about as exciting as it gets in my hometown. Apparently the city's in great disarray. There are two prisons in my native county: one in the southern part of the county, the other in the city of Elmira itself. The prison mentioned in the article was, of course, the prison right in the city, and additionally the prison at which my dad is the Deputy Warden. Lovely.

One more, because why WOULD it stop?

Tue, 01 Jul 2003 03:06:30 GMT

I just sneezed and now I have a bloody nose that won't stop.

My life

Tue, 01 Jul 2003 03:02:59 GMT

I had a nice, long talk with Marc last night, the first in months. I'm so happy that he's finally able to relax, take a few moments for himself, and I'm thrilled that he will be entering the world as an intelligent, driven, compassionate professional. The real world is fortunate to have him. And so am I.

Today, however, seems to just have NOT been my day (pardon that horrible syntax). I think that my front rotors are shot on my car, and something is definitely wrong with my catalytic converter. I tripped and fell on the way into the courthouse this morning and burned my chin with my cigarette, and the papers I was carrying flew all over the courthouse steps. I also fell out of my chair in my office as two clients came in, I coughed during lunch and Mountain Dew came out my nose - painful - and got onto my papers, I called the Judge by the wrong name during a hearing (it's now on the record that I was an idiot today). Also, the people who park my car locked my keys in it, so I had to get a wire hanger from the front desk and break into my car at 4:30 this afternoon while everyone poured out of the garage watching me. Tonight at the diner, I spilled coffee all over myself. Finally, when I got home, I wanted to play my trumpet to de-escalate and regroup, but of course the third valve stuck when I pushed it down, and now I can't even get it up by taking the valve out.

I am, at this point, afraid to move or breathe for fear that my celing will cave in on me or that I'll suddenly develop an allergy to oxygen.

Happy Monday to me.

Is this thing on?

Sat, 28 Jun 2003 04:15:24 GMT

Ever have on of those nights in which it feels like no one is listening to a word you say, no matter how "trivial?" Tonight, I went out with a few friends. While we were out, I talked with several other people: old friends, current friends and acquaintances, people from work, even a potential romantic interest. No matter who I talked to, it seemed like every word I said or thought I expressed went in one ear and out the other to my audience member(s). I left Cobblestone's feeling completely invalidated and lonely.

The fact that I was talking with such a broad and diverse base of people, though, leads me to believe that it was just me. Maybe I wasn't saying anything interesting or worthwhile. I felt, however, that I was putting forth a substantial effort with everyone and talking about interesting and worthwhile things. Perhaps it was just one of those nights I was meant to be an observer. Still, I don't feel very good about myself right now, and I retire to bed feeling like I never should have left it today at all.

What The Hell Happened Last Night?
LJ Username
What did you drink?
You wake up in the morning next to:	profdana
...who is wearing:	a Star Trek VI Captain's Starfleet uniform
...and rolls over to you to say:	My God, you're supple!
...and then:	takes the day off work to stay in bed with you

This quiz by joneccleston - Taken 118481 Times. </a>